I love to play tennis, though I
am not that great. I like to entertain my friends and family and will prepare
wonderful new recipes just for them. I have a passion for the outdoors and
enjoy working in my flower garden and shopping at garden centers for new and
exotic plants and flowers. I could have been one of those dancers on Soul
Train! Dancing comes natural for me because my father was always dancing and
having a good time. He often would say when he went to a party; now the party
can begin because I’m here! I went back to school at fifty-two to get my degree
in cosmetology and opened a hair salon when I graduated. I have catered lunches
for hairstylists who were unable to leave their busy salons and get their own
lunches. I am a professional storyteller and have traveled all over the country
sharing stories and motivational experiences.
These are just a few of the
things that I have a passion and talent for. God has truly blessed me in many
areas and I am thankful. However, two years ago I began to feel tired quickly
after just minor tasks. I started having severe pains in my lower back,
shoulders and knees. I went back and forth to my doctor several times
complaining of these aches and pains. He diagnosed me with arthritis and gave
me a prescription for a pain medicine that would help me. It caused my lips and
face to swell and I was prescribed something else. It caused me to have terrible
pains in my stomach and I could not take them either. One night I couldn’t
sleep, though I was very tired. The next morning I could hardly walk so I went
to the ER. Several different tests were run; MRI, CAT scan, blood work, and urology
tests. Nothing could be found! Defeated, depressed and so very, very tired I
went home with a prescription for Oxycodone for the pain. I took one as soon as
I walked in the door. I woke up nearly a day and a half later! Finally, after
running back and forth for nearly two years I was finally diagnosed with
fibromyalgia. By then, I was depressed because I could no longer do the things
I enjoyed. Tennis, dancing, working in my garden and dancing were all too
difficult for me to accomplish. I had opened a hair salon and lost it within a
few months. I was devastated and lay in the bed many, many nights wondering why
God wouldn’t just take my life. I was tired of living, but knew I could not
take my own life. I was so miserable!
I was in so much pain and so
tired that getting dressed and going to my Christian meetings were impossible for
me. I just lay around suffering silently. I had been prescribed so many
medications and none of them did anything to relieve the pain and despair I
felt. I began to pray to God to just let me go to sleep and never wake up. I
didn’t think I could take it anymore. Every day that I awoke, I would
feel so disgusted, I would cry quietly. I couldn’t work and help with my share
of the bills like I wanted to. I had gone on a trip with my daughter and had
overheard her friend talking about me to her mother; saying that I was using my
daughter. I feared that I would tell this woman off, and no longer wanted her
in my home. To me she was disrespectful, but then she only knew to say this because
obviously my daughter had been complaining to her. I resented my daughter and
had to pray to fight those feelings. I wanted my own place to live. I felt like
I was spinning on that wheel that hamsters have in their cage, yet never going
anywhere. Each night I cried myself to sleep and in a couple of hours I would
be wide awake. I was prescribed an anti-depressant, but didn’t like the way it
made me feel and stopped taking them after a couple of days or so. I just
wanted to die! That was all I thought about. When I was growing up, my father often told me that no matter how bad times got you never told anyone your business. My grandmother, whom he got that advice from told me the same thing. So, now I am in therapy and it is very difficult to let this woman into my space, to let her see the fiber of my being. I wear this mask that hides my pain. I smile, laugh often and pretend that I am not dying on the inside. I need to trust her that she will allow me to open up, to tell her what it is that I am feeling without thinking I am violating some instilled wisdom passed from generations of folk that also wore the mask.
And so it is with someone who
suffers from clinical depression. People who see me say, “You don’t look sick!”
and that makes me feel even worst. I want to shout at them, “How do you think I
ought to look? Don’t you know if I looked like how I feel, I would never leave
the house? Be glad that I don’t look like I am sick!” Some will remind me of
someone they think is doing worse than I am. Someone else will suggest I just
pray about it and move on. Most of the people who say something, are not doing it
to be hurtful, they honestly may not know what to say. I would really rather
they don’t say anything in that case. Just tell me you miss me and keep it
moving. The worst thing is to assume that you know how I feel. I am so tired of
being sick and tired! Sometimes I will not get any calls from my Christian
sisters and brothers. That is one of the worst things to feel, abandonment from
those who profess to care and love me. I remember that even though Jesus had 12
apostles, he was truly very close with Peter. Even though he got angry with
Peter once, he had special feelings for him. It was Peter he gave the keys to
the kingdom to. I found that one person to care about me in a dear man I call
Brother Kinney. He calls me every week to check on me. I love him dearly and
sometimes, in my despair it is his face that keeps me going.
I know how Robin Williams felt in
his final hours. Many people that suffer with clinical depression can attest to
this fact. It is a struggle for us, every day is. We each have something that
keeps us holding on. And as we struggle through each day, we know we have no
idea what tomorrow may bring. So, we take it one day at a time. Perhaps that
day was too much for Robin. Perhaps that day he just said, “I cannot do it any
longer, Lord.” We don’t because we were not there. However, I know his despair because
I face it each and every day. I have had to step away from a person that I used
to call a friend because she complains about every single thing going on, not
in her life, but in all of her children’s, grandchildren’s and great
grandchildren’s lives and I can’t take her anymore. I tried to explain to her to
stop complaining about everything, pray about it and leave it alone if you can’t
change it. To me, complaining ALL the time is a selfish act! No one wants to
hear that ALL the time. We are encouraged by God to speak consolingly to the
distressed souls, be kind and patient to all. Even in my darkest hour, thus far
I try to say something encouraging to someone else. There is much to be
thankful for. I know this and even if I wake up each day, I know there is a
reason for my being here and I am fighting to appreciate that fact and to
continue to feel blessed about it.
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