Walking In These Shoes I Wear

I love to play tennis, though I am not that great. I like to entertain my friends and family and will prepare wonderful new recipes just for them. I have a passion for the outdoors and enjoy working in my flower garden and shopping at garden centers for new and exotic plants and flowers. I could have been one of those dancers on Soul Train! Dancing comes natural for me because my father was always dancing and having a good time. He often would say when he went to a party; now the party can begin because I’m here! I went back to school at fifty-two to get my degree in cosmetology and opened a hair salon when I graduated. I have catered lunches for hairstylists who were unable to leave their busy salons and get their own lunches. I am a professional storyteller and have traveled all over the country sharing stories and motivational experiences.

These are just a few of the things that I have a passion and talent for. God has truly blessed me in many areas and I am thankful. However, two years ago I began to feel tired quickly after just minor tasks. I started having severe pains in my lower back, shoulders and knees. I went back and forth to my doctor several times complaining of these aches and pains. He diagnosed me with arthritis and gave me a prescription for a pain medicine that would help me. It caused my lips and face to swell and I was prescribed something else. It caused me to have terrible pains in my stomach and I could not take them either. One night I couldn’t sleep, though I was very tired. The next morning I could hardly walk so I went to the ER. Several different tests were run; MRI, CAT scan, blood work, and urology tests. Nothing could be found! Defeated, depressed and so very, very tired I went home with a prescription for Oxycodone for the pain. I took one as soon as I walked in the door. I woke up nearly a day and a half later! Finally, after running back and forth for nearly two years I was finally diagnosed with fibromyalgia. By then, I was depressed because I could no longer do the things I enjoyed. Tennis, dancing, working in my garden and dancing were all too difficult for me to accomplish. I had opened a hair salon and lost it within a few months. I was devastated and lay in the bed many, many nights wondering why God wouldn’t just take my life. I was tired of living, but knew I could not take my own life. I was so miserable!

I was in so much pain and so tired that getting dressed and going to my Christian meetings were impossible for me. I just lay around suffering silently. I had been prescribed so many medications and none of them did anything to relieve the pain and despair I felt. I began to pray to God to just let me go to sleep and never wake up. I didn’t think I could take it anymore. Every day that I awoke, I would feel so disgusted, I would cry quietly. I couldn’t work and help with my share of the bills like I wanted to. I had gone on a trip with my daughter and had overheard her friend talking about me to her mother; saying that I was using my daughter. I feared that I would tell this woman off, and no longer wanted her in my home. To me she was disrespectful, but then she only knew to say this because obviously my daughter had been complaining to her. I resented my daughter and had to pray to fight those feelings. I wanted my own place to live. I felt like I was spinning on that wheel that hamsters have in their cage, yet never going anywhere. Each night I cried myself to sleep and in a couple of hours I would be wide awake. I was prescribed an anti-depressant, but didn’t like the way it made me feel and stopped taking them after a couple of days or so. I just wanted to die! That was all I thought about. When I was growing up, my father often told me that no matter how bad times got you never told anyone your business. My grandmother, whom he got that advice from told me the same thing. So, now I am in therapy and it is very difficult to let this woman into my space, to let her see the fiber of my being. I wear this mask that hides my pain. I smile, laugh often and pretend that I am not dying on the inside. I need to trust her that she will allow me to open up, to tell her what it is that I am feeling without thinking I am violating some instilled wisdom passed from generations of folk that also wore the mask. 

And so it is with someone who suffers from clinical depression. People who see me say, “You don’t look sick!” and that makes me feel even worst. I want to shout at them, “How do you think I ought to look? Don’t you know if I looked like how I feel, I would never leave the house? Be glad that I don’t look like I am sick!” Some will remind me of someone they think is doing worse than I am. Someone else will suggest I just pray about it and move on. Most of the people who say something, are not doing it to be hurtful, they honestly may not know what to say. I would really rather they don’t say anything in that case. Just tell me you miss me and keep it moving. The worst thing is to assume that you know how I feel. I am so tired of being sick and tired! Sometimes I will not get any calls from my Christian sisters and brothers. That is one of the worst things to feel, abandonment from those who profess to care and love me. I remember that even though Jesus had 12 apostles, he was truly very close with Peter. Even though he got angry with Peter once, he had special feelings for him. It was Peter he gave the keys to the kingdom to. I found that one person to care about me in a dear man I call Brother Kinney. He calls me every week to check on me. I love him dearly and sometimes, in my despair it is his face that keeps me going.

I know how Robin Williams felt in his final hours. Many people that suffer with clinical depression can attest to this fact. It is a struggle for us, every day is. We each have something that keeps us holding on. And as we struggle through each day, we know we have no idea what tomorrow may bring. So, we take it one day at a time. Perhaps that day was too much for Robin. Perhaps that day he just said, “I cannot do it any longer, Lord.” We don’t because we were not there. However, I know his despair because I face it each and every day. I have had to step away from a person that I used to call a friend because she complains about every single thing going on, not in her life, but in all of her children’s, grandchildren’s and great grandchildren’s lives and I can’t take her anymore. I tried to explain to her to stop complaining about everything, pray about it and leave it alone if you can’t change it. To me, complaining ALL the time is a selfish act! No one wants to hear that ALL the time. We are encouraged by God to speak consolingly to the distressed souls, be kind and patient to all. Even in my darkest hour, thus far I try to say something encouraging to someone else. There is much to be thankful for. I know this and even if I wake up each day, I know there is a reason for my being here and I am fighting to appreciate that fact and to continue to feel blessed about it. 

What I Hope We Learn From Robin William's Tragic Death

I was checking my email yesterday when I saw the news feed that Robin Williams had died. I felt as if someone had kicked me in the stomach. I forgot about my email as I read the article and others that talked about the loss of this wonderfully talented man. I cried as if a member of my own family had died.

I first saw Robin Williams on the Mork & Mindy Show back in the 80’s. Every week I tuned in to enjoy the show. We’ve seen him grow into a phenomenal actor over the years. We know of the work he did for US troops. We’ve seen him play Pop Eye, Mrs. Doubtfire and recently I saw him in a very disturbing episode of Law & Order SVU where he was portraying a dark and demented character.

As we learned of the details of his death, should that make us lose respect for him? Is suicide so foreign to us that we can’t wrap our minds around the fact that he took his own life? Is he now no longer worthy of our tears? Is it time to judge him? I am appalled at the insensitive comments I’ve read. There have been some that are so very insensitive, I want to smack the taste out of their mouths, if I were still a violent person. It’s been reported that Todd Bridges said Robin Williams is selfish and his suicide is an act of a coward. People have said “He’s going to hell for this!” “What did he have to be depressed about? He was a millionaire!” “Depressed! He was an addict and alcoholic, that’s why he was depressed!”

Depression is a mental disease. This disease has been around for centuries. The Bible mentions several people that were depressed. On one occasion the prophet Elijah was so grief stricken that he prayed for God to take his life. – 1Kings 19:4. Ammon, King Solomon’s son was asked, “Why are you, the king’s son so depressed every morning? Why not tell me?” – 2Samuel 13:4. Being that God is a God of Love, he cares about us so deeply he wants us all to be happy. In Psalm 34:18, the psalmist tells us, “Jehovah is near to those that are broken at heart; and those who are crushed in spirit he saves.” “If you kept a record of our sins, who could escape being condemned? But your forgive us, so that we should stand in awe of you.” – Psalm 130:3-4

God gives us strength and hope. We also have a responsibility-(1Thessalonians 5:14) “…to speak consolingly to those who are depressed, support the weak, be patient toward all.” We are encouraged to throw all our anxiety on God because he cares for us. -1Peter 5:7

Clinical depression is not the same as sadness, or having a bad day. It goes beyond that. Pharmacists have developed medicines to help with depression, but many patients feel worst, so they may not continue taking their meds. According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention “studies have consistently found that the overwhelming majority of people who die by suicide-  90% or more –had a mental disorder at the time of their deaths, often, however; these disorders had not been recognized, diagnosed or adequately treated.” Professional assistance is available because it is not possible to climb out of the pit of despair without assistance. We are living each day of our lives in a world filled with despair. It is easy to feel hopeless in light of the times. However, we can rest our hope in the promises God has made; for instance in Revelation 21:3-4, “The tent of God is with mankind, and he will reside with them, and they will be his people. And God himself will be with them. He will wipe out every tear from their eyes, and death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry, or pain be anymore. The former things will pass away.” So, instead of us judging the actions of someone that has committed suicide in a  negative light, why not think about that person you know that is suddenly withdrawn, quiet and depressed. Why not call and check on them and offer your support? Sometimes a listening ear is all that we need. Sometimes we just need someone to act like they really care, to be there for us. 

I’ve heard people say suicide is the unforgivable sin, probably quoting something their minister, pastor or bishop told them. However, the Bible tells us about only one unforgivable sin and it is not suicide, but grieving God’s Holy Spirit. Some people said he is going to burn in Hell, another lie the church has told its members to keep them enslaved and clothed in darkness. How can you say God is love, he loves us yet when we die he’ll torture our dead body in a burning hell for eternity? What would be the purpose of Him doing that, when he so lovingly offers us the hope of a resurrection? –John 5:29

I encourage anyone reading my blog to check out the scriptures I listed for yourself in your Bible. Find out what it really teaches; shake off the shackles of false religion that has held you bound in ignorance, hatred, condemnation and intolerance or other people’s pain.