Who We Really Are (Part One)

I had so many things I wanted to say on my blog yesterday, but got sidetracked and didn't get a chance to write anything. Do you know that feeling that lingers around you when you know you should have done something, but didn't wanted to get up and start writing. Instead, I watched Part 2 of Love & Hip Hop. Why? Why? Why?

On this second part, Monique, who was hosting the show and trying to maintain some order, started right off letting them know they were all expected to stay in their seat, there would be no fighting. 

Amina is pregnant and let Peter Gunz know by taking the pregnancy test stick from her bra and giving it to him. She recognizes that she is no different from Tara. He is cheating on her with other women besides Tara. Peter walked off the stage and at first refused to return. Later he said he wanted to talk to Tara, not Amina. He would only come back if Amina was not on the stage. She is escorted off, kicking and yelling. Peter returns wearing dark shades and obviously shaken. He apologizes to Tara for everything. Tara was his ride and die chick for 13 years. She is the mother of his children. Without even warning her, he came home one day and told her he had married Amina, however he continued staying with Tara, disrespecting both women and didn't even wear his wedding ring. He acknowledged he is too old for this behavior. Other things went on, but Peter Gunz stayed on my mind. I wondered what happened to him. A lot of "stuff" we experience in life, the way we are molded, trained, developed can be traced right on back to our mom and pop. I have been in therapy before. (need to still be in therapy), but one of the first things asked is, tell me about your childhood.

No one wakes up one day and says I will be a liar, use women, be a cheat, unreliable, belligerent, conniving, trifling...Prior to watching this show I also watched Fatal Attractions where a minister - a so-called man of God had married a woman that had a child by a previous relationship, sixteen year old Shantell. The family moved to Mobile, Alabama and had six children together. While delivering her 8th child she died in childbirth. The church family is heartbroken. But the pastor seems to be doing well raising the children with the help of Shantell -until the day she is stopped by a concerned neighbor as she walks down the street barefoot in the cold. As the story unfolds we learn that the pastor had been sexually assaulting Shantell since she was 11. Her mother suspected, and finally found out when she was 16 and caught the pastor in the church bathroom fondling Shantell. At home she threatens the pastor by saying she was calling he police and he strangles her. He makes Shantell help me get the body to the car and the two of them dig the grave behind a church in a nearby city. Then a few days later he has a change of heart and goes and digs the body up, wraps it in thick plastic puts it in a freezer, also with the help of Shantell. The freezer is stored in the storage room of their home.  Now she is 19 and pregnant by her stepfather, and he is also messing around with her 14 year old sister- who is his birth daughter. Just too much craziness before bedtime! 

Once all of this story is unfolded the pastor is charged with murder, child abuse, sexual child abuse and a host of other things. The 14 year old didn't have to testify, but Shantell took the stand. I wondered what kind of woman will she grow up to be. How will she have a s successful relationship with a man? What about the other children, especially the one that he had started molesting. This is one of the reasons we end up with adult men and women that are lost, don't know how to treat people, are sad, angry, lost, and need help. I feel badly for Peter Gunz, but I have confidence that he will change if he seeks help. 

Be Careful What You Watch Before Bed

Last night I was bored and couldn't find anything to watch on TV. I came upon a show about stuff that happens in the ER. A little boy was being seen because he had stuffed some foreign objects into his ear on a dare. The doctors were discussing how to handle getting the objects out when I turned to this channel. I watched a little bit and then I turned because I didn't want to see the actual removal process.

In the wee hours of the morning a sharp pain hit my right ear with such a sting I woke up. Had that pain happened on my arm, leg or something I would have immediately felt comfortable saying it was a bug biting me. Well, it was inside my ear and my first thought was Oh no! I have a bug in my ear. I grabbed my tablet and turned it on. While waiting for it to come on the pain of the bite became an throbbing sensation. I Googled how to get a bug out of your ear.  I click on the YouTube video, but was too uneasy to actually "watch" how to do it. I read the instructions instead. First I had to insert with a dropper some type of oil in my ear that would kill the insect. There were about three illustrations on what type of tool to use to get the oil into the ear. One of them was with a dropper that you use for medicine. So, I get up to check in the bathroom for a bottle of medicine with a dropper. In the kitchen I find a child's bottle of Tylenol. I fill a cup with hot water and rinse out all of the Tylenol. I shake the water out of the dropper, and pour some olive oil into the lid of the bottle and suck up some olive oil. I drop some into my ear and cringe as the oil makes it way down into my ear canal. It is just making a blooping sound as it enters the area. I was then suppose to lay down on my side and allow the oil to do what it do - which is to kill this pesty bug. After a few minutes I turn on the opposite side and allow the oil to drain from my ear. The next step was to fill a bottle or cup that has a spout with warm water and pour it in a steady stream into the effected ear and watch carefully as the bug is washed from the ear because it has to be examined to make sure it all came out. One of the illustrations shows a bottle like dish detergent comes in. So, back to the kitchen I go and empty the detergent out of the bottle, rinse it with hot and cold water until it runs free of suds. I fill it with warm water and head to the bathroom where I lay a down over the sink and begin to squeeze water into my ear. Water is going every where. It is running down my face, down my chin and neck and wetting the front of my pajamas. It is wetting my hair and running down the back of my neck. It has wet up the mirror, the counter and the floor. I am standing on a squishy rug. I am making a big mess, but I am determined to get this nasty bug out of my ear! I look at myself in the mirror and I look like a dern fool! I smile first, and remember the TV show I watched before going to sleep. I start laughing and can't stop! 

Now I have to Google how to get water out of my ear! 

Don't Let Your Left Hand Know What Your Right Hand is Doing...Why Not?

When I was growing up I often heard my grandmother use the expression, "Don't let your left hand know what your right hand is doing," but I it took me a while to get what she meant by it. I sometimes wish I had her here to give me a gentle reminder. If I could hear a little "BOING" sound as a reminder would be a wonderful thing.

There have been two instances in the past couple of months when I truly wish I had her here. I am going to tell you about both of them. 

Instance One: I am a professional storyteller and a member of The National Association of Black Storytellers, Inc.(NABS) and its affiliate - The North Carolina Association of Black Storytellers, Inc. (NCABS) Each year NABS has a storytelling festival/conference in a city that is hosting the event. It is a very interesting, educational, and exciting festival. I do not like to miss them. They have featured storytellers, spoken word artists, workshops, etc. We go out to the community and into the schools and/or universities. 

At last year's festival I decided I wanted to be a featured storyteller. I kept contemplating it and shared that goal with an acquaintance. BOING As soon as I said it, I knew I should have kept my mouth shut. You see, over the years I have come to know that people will listen to you talk about your dreams and goals, but not necessarily share in your enthusiasm. Sometimes it is obvious how they feel by their response, but sometimes you have to read between the lines, look at their facial expressions (what are their eyes saying), or you may get it on the back end.

So, I shared this goal with her and immediately she responded by saying, "Not everyone can be a featured storyteller!" What does that mean? Does it mean that YOU don't think I am good enough? Do you think I ought to sit down somewhere and come up with another goal? What? See, that comment was a back end comment. The person isn't bold enough to tell me what she really feels, so she throws this underhanded insult out and knows that I will spend a little time wondering what is meant, and perhaps become discouraged and not attempt to try to obtain my goal. She does this because she doesn't have any goals to do what you just shared with her. It is just as insensitive as if she had just come out and said "Are you crazy? You can't be a featured storyteller because you can't tell a story!" Well, now her comment is in my head. What will I do with it? I dismissed it. I know what I am capable of doing, and I have a whole entire year to improve and be ready. 

Now it is time to send in my featured storyteller application. There are some things that I have to include and I begin to work on getting everything I need together so I can get it in before the deadline. As I check off the list I realize that I really need a video of my performance. For several years I have performed at the National Black Theatre Festival and I know that my performance is videotaped, so I contact them to see about getting a copy of a taped performance. That doesn't work out because no one is returning my phone calls. I then contact another person, and she doesn't follow through either. But I don't panic. I just make an audio of me telling a story and include it with my packet and move on to check off something else. Now, I am excited and like a silly person I repeat my goal to the same woman that said to me last year, "Not everyone can be a featured storyteller!" What does she say this year? She says, "I know I am not good enough to be no featured storyteller or I would have applied already. I've been attending the festivals way before you started coming to them. I know what's required to be up there with the best of the best! But you go on, girl!" So, now 1/2 of what she meant from last year's comment has been spoken. "She knows she's not good enough!" Okay then! What I gleaned from that is this: I've been going to the storytelling festivals longer than you have, before you even knew about them. And though I have attended the workshops and the performances I doubt myself as an artist and therefore I never thought I was good enough to take the stage. Now here you come along, only been going since '95 and you think you got this? You think you're ready to be a featured storyteller after just nineteen years? Are you crazy? You will never make it! If I haven't tried, what makes you think you're ready to try? That's what I gleaned from that negative, back end remark.  Do I care? No! I send in my packet and know that if it is God's will I will be selected and if not this year, I can apply again next year or the year after that, or the year after that! 

A couple of days later I get a voicemail left on my phone to call her. I do, and immediately she asks me if I still want to apply to be a featured storyteller. Now I pause because I'm wondering what made her think of that. I know she doesn't read her email so she doesn't know about the deadline date. There are one or two responses I could give. I could just answer her question - DO YOU STILL WANT TO APPLY TO BE A FEATURED STORYTELLER? The short and true answer would be NO, because I have already applied. (which would be bordering on lying) or a simple YES. I chose to say YES and brace myself for the next negative back end comment. "Well, go head on Miss Featured Storyteller! Miss Featured Storyteller!" and a very strange, almost sinister laugh follows. BOING BOING BOING BOING and then a slap upside the head. Every time she calls me now she refers to me as Miss Featured Storyteller. This can serve two different purposes. If I am selected this year then she has told the truth by calling me that. She has actually helped in calling it into existence. LOL But, if I am not selected this year she can always say, "Well, don't feel bad about it. I ain't good enough either!"

Second One: I am going to wait on that one because I think it may still be unfolding. You know me, I will get back with you in a few days. Just be patient.

OF THIS I AM SURE

I don't know if it comes with age or experience, but there are certain things that happen in life that I know for sure. I think I'm safe in saying it is a combination of both. When I was a young woman I spent so much time trying to please others, always biting my tongue to keep peace, never standing up for myself to certain people. I allowed them to attempt to change me, to make me something that I was not, and did not want to be. By being silent, I gave them power over me, and though I tugged and stiffened, my silence gave them the impression that they had succeeded. What they had succeeded in doing was making my life miserable and made me always be on the defensive - silently. Inside I was fuming, cussing mad, but outside I held it in. As a result I was diagnosed with ulcers in my twenties. After that diagnosis, I began to speak up. If I were not happy, I let the person know.

I came to realize that some people live such miserable lives, trapped in a relationship where they cannot speak out for fear of being made fun of, not taken seriously, or to be belittled that when they get the chance to be the aggressor they take it. The best thing you can do for a person like that is just to leave them alone, separate yourself from them. You don't have to submit to that abuse, and that is certainly what it is.

There are women out there that dislike you so much that they will feign a relationship with you, just so they can be aware of your every move. When you have a conversation with them, they challenge everything that you say. We've all met them. If you say the sky is blue, they will challenge you with the sky is actually green. If you say its up, they say its down. They use endearing terms like the B-word in reference to you. I have never found anything endearing about being called a female dog. If you have a man, look out because this is the type of woman that will make a pass at your man. Oh yeah! If you get word of it, she will say that she was doing you a favor to see if he was faithful. Everybody that smiles in your face is not your friend. In fact, your friends list may only have a couple or three names on it. Call these folk what they are, you will certainly be happier for it. HATERS!

In the middle of the night you will be awaken by a noise. You will not be sure if it came from outside, or inside. You strain, trying to listen out for it again, but you never hear it again. But, now you are awake and uneasy. You will not be able to go back to sleep until you get up and walk through your home making sure all the doors are secured and the windows locked. Are you brave enough to do it alone? I am not, so I usually get my son to walk through with me. When I wake him, he is hot! Silently, but quickly I am following close behind him looking around. Of course, there is no one else in the house. When you lay back down, get comfortable and warm again, there's the noise again. Its just the Devil. He knows he only has a little while left, so he is extremely busy! If he can't sleep, you will not be able to sleep either. (I only know this because my grandmother used to say it...I'm really not 100% on board with that one yet)

There is no shortcut to weight loss. There is no pill, no drops, no green frothy drink, or fruity smoothie that can substitute real, long term weight loss. I had never had a problem with my weight. Then in 1993 I got married to a man and his parents. Those three drove me crazy. In one year I had gained over 100 pounds! Mind, you I was pregnant, but the baby only weighed 8lbs, so all of the rest of that was pure fat! Since I had never been fat before, I was either in denial or crazy. The same sexy clothes I wore at a size 7/8 or a 9/10 I was wearing at a size 22W (W = wide load). I had to overhear someone saying that I was fat before I took a look in the mirror and saw that she was right. I was a big, big girl! I joined a gym. I changed my eating habits. If I got up and had a bowl of Raisin Bran for breakfast and a glass of juice, that was a nutritious breakfast. I didn't have to try and make up for it at lunch by going to an all you can eat buffet and acting like I was setting up residency there. I changed my diet plan. I now had a salad and 1/2 sandwich for lunch, or a bowl of soup and 1/2 sandwich. I kept the weight off for many years. I am a stress eater, and as a result I have gained about 35 of those pounds back. I am back on track and have started eating healthy and exercising again. to get the added weight off.

I finally relearned, and accepted that people come and go and once their purpose in our lives have been fulfilled that's it. It's over and instead of chasing them, trying to use guilt to remind them of how we used to be, just let them go. Make new friends, and keep it moving. Don't whine about it, it isn't attractive.

Within thirty minutes of meeting a man, you will be exposed to everything you need to know about him to make a decision as to whether you want to see him again. Trust me on this one. If you are supposed to meet at 7:30 and he arrives at 7 and waits impatiently for you to get there, has an attitude when you finally walk into the room, let that be the last date. You see, this man is impatient about everything. He is also demanding and not trustworthy. He will make you feel inferior and unworthy of him and will sap all of your self esteem before you can blink. Let him go. Now, suppose he arrives at 8:00 or after. You've been sitting there waiting and waiting and he comes in all nonchalant, like he is on time. As he is talking to you, his eyes are roaming the room as if he is looking for someone, someone better perhaps. He wants to know what you do for a living, does it pay well, where you live, what kind of car you drive, do you have family here...too many personal questions - and those are very personal, is letting you know that as soon as he gets a chance he is putting his stakes down at your crib. We pick up the vibes and we ignore them. When he starts tripping, and he will start tripping, we have the nerve to act so hurt, shocked even that he treated us this way after all we've done for him. Stop it, ladies. Seriously!

There is nothing wrong with my natural hair. This is the stuff that God blessed me with. I love my hair. It doesn't matter if I am wearing it curly, locked, puffs, braids, or twists, I love my hair. I have worn it relaxed too. I am not going to knock the sisters who are relaxed, no! But, they need to also know they don't have the right to knock the natural sisters either. I've read comments from some of these relaxed sisters saying stuff like, "I wish that sistah would comb her hair!" "She needs to cut that mess off of her head!" And don't even let me talk about the things I've seen people write about Blue Ivy Carter! Poor baby! As for me I am going to be natural and proud of it. As African Americans We put so much stock in our hair that it is truly a multi-billion dollar business. Now that there is this "natural revolution" the big markets have picked up on that and now they are trying to turn our natural hair care into a multi-billion dollar business. There are hair care products on the market for natural hair that are priced at $54 for a 4 oz jar of  "hair smoothie" or "stretching creme". Back in the day when we were all natural, we would shampoo and condition our hair, put some pomade or oils on it, braid it or twist it and have these big beautiful Afros. Now we have to have stretching cremes, hair smoothies,some stuff I can't spell , so-called herb based products all selling for huge amounts of money. We don't need that ladies. Trust me on this one too.

To be happy, truly happy with our lives, we must first of all have a relationship with God. We must get to know Him, live our lives in harmony with what He expects, or at least try. We have to treat others the way we want to be treated. We have to help our fellow man. The strong carrying the weak...it's in the Bible. We should be eating healthy, drinking plenty of water, cutting back or cutting out caffeine, processed foods, refined sugars, limiting our salt intake and EXERCISE. We have to limit our association with toxic people, they can literally make us sick. Yeah! All that blah, blah, blah, blah, blah is tiring, and sickening. If your friends are not uplifting you, encouraging you, promoting what you have going on in your live, let them go. Sing often, dance often and laugh always. Be happy!

My First Experience with Oil Pulling

I was on Facebook the other day and saw a post about "Oil Pulling". I had never heard of it before, so I went online and did some research on the topic. Oil pulling or oil swishing is an Indian folk remedy. What you do is take one or two teaspoons of vegetable based oil ( coconut, olive oil or some other type oil). If you are using coconut oil, which is the most recommended form of oil, you let it melt in your mouth and begin to gently move it around, and over your tongue, and through your teeth. You don't gargle with it like you would do a mouthwash because you will keep this in your mouth for twenty minutes and you will tire quickly. You just gently move it around. As it mixes with your saliva, you mouth will become full and you just have to continue for the recommended twenty minutes. When you spit it out, do so in a trash bin, as the oil will conceal again and stop up your sink if you spit it in the sink. After you spit it out, immediately rinse your mouth out with very warm salted water, several times. Brush your teeth and you're done. It is best to do this first thing in the morning. Once a day is enough, but some people practice this three times a day. You will notice how white your teeth become, how pink and healthy your gums will look and how fresh your breath is. However, there are other benefits. Oil pulling is said to help with diabetes, heart disease and high blood pressure. Because of the anti-inflammatory properties in coconut oil it also helps with arthritis, painful joints, and sore muscles. The oil actually "pulls" toxins from the body, so make sure not to swallow any of it.

I have fibromyalgia and decided to try it this morning. I also hoped that I would benefit from whiter teeth, healthier gums and fresher breath. I put one teaspoon of coconut oil in my mouth and it reminded me immediately of Crisco. I gagged and spit it out. I kept gagging afterwards and I hoped I didn't throw up because there is nothing more disgusting that bile throw up. I took some deep breaths and attempted it again. This time I didn't put quite so much on the spoon. I put it on the tip of my tongue and held it against my front teeth. The strong smell of coconut made me nauseous and again I gagged and had to spit it out. I paced back and forth in the kitchen and began to talk to myself. "Darby, you can do this! Stop it! What's wrong with you? Just do it!" I put some more on the spoon and this time when I put it in my mouth I thought about some of the foods I love that have coconut in it. I tried to enjoy the smell as I waited for it to melt in my mouth. Once it was liquefied, I went to the bathroom and stood there, trying to breath in short breaths. I leaned forward so that there would be no danger of me swallowing the oil and I began to move it around in my mouth gently. I just kept breathing gently, trying to think of it as mouth wash and eventually my gag reflexes relaxed and I was fine. I was able to hold my head up and continue to swish the liquid around my mouth. I looked at my cell phone to see if twenty minutes had passed, and it had not. In fact it had only been ten minutes. I tried to hold on for ten more minutes, but after a couple minutes I had to spit the oil out. I then swished the warm salted water in my mouth, doing so three or four times. In my mind I could feel that there was more oil in my mouth, it had made its way down my throat and had hardened, preventing me from being able to swallow. I went to the kitchen sink where the water seemed to be hotter. I filled up a cup with the hot water and added salt and swished that new mixture around and gargled, allowing some to go down my throat. I started coughing and threw up the salty water all over the mirror! I was so disgusted, I threw up again. I brushed my teeth and gargled with Listerine. 

I did notice that my teeth were very smooth when I ran my tongue across them, and they were whiter. I don't know if I will try it again tomorrow morning, but I would like to and not experience this drama I just mentioned.