When I was growing up I often heard my grandmother use the expression, "Don't let your left hand know what your right hand is doing," but I it took me a while to get what she meant by it. I sometimes wish I had her here to give me a gentle reminder. If I could hear a little "BOING" sound as a reminder would be a wonderful thing.
There have been two instances in the past couple of months when I truly wish I had her here. I am going to tell you about both of them.
Instance One: I am a professional storyteller and a member of The National Association of Black Storytellers, Inc.(NABS) and its affiliate - The North Carolina Association of Black Storytellers, Inc. (NCABS) Each year NABS has a storytelling festival/conference in a city that is hosting the event. It is a very interesting, educational, and exciting festival. I do not like to miss them. They have featured storytellers, spoken word artists, workshops, etc. We go out to the community and into the schools and/or universities.
At last year's festival I decided I wanted to be a featured storyteller. I kept contemplating it and shared that goal with an acquaintance. BOING As soon as I said it, I knew I should have kept my mouth shut. You see, over the years I have come to know that people will listen to you talk about your dreams and goals, but not necessarily share in your enthusiasm. Sometimes it is obvious how they feel by their response, but sometimes you have to read between the lines, look at their facial expressions (what are their eyes saying), or you may get it on the back end.
So, I shared this goal with her and immediately she responded by saying, "Not everyone can be a featured storyteller!" What does that mean? Does it mean that YOU don't think I am good enough? Do you think I ought to sit down somewhere and come up with another goal? What? See, that comment was a back end comment. The person isn't bold enough to tell me what she really feels, so she throws this underhanded insult out and knows that I will spend a little time wondering what is meant, and perhaps become discouraged and not attempt to try to obtain my goal. She does this because she doesn't have any goals to do what you just shared with her. It is just as insensitive as if she had just come out and said "Are you crazy? You can't be a featured storyteller because you can't tell a story!" Well, now her comment is in my head. What will I do with it? I dismissed it. I know what I am capable of doing, and I have a whole entire year to improve and be ready.
Now it is time to send in my featured storyteller application. There are some things that I have to include and I begin to work on getting everything I need together so I can get it in before the deadline. As I check off the list I realize that I really need a video of my performance. For several years I have performed at the National Black Theatre Festival and I know that my performance is videotaped, so I contact them to see about getting a copy of a taped performance. That doesn't work out because no one is returning my phone calls. I then contact another person, and she doesn't follow through either. But I don't panic. I just make an audio of me telling a story and include it with my packet and move on to check off something else. Now, I am excited and like a silly person I repeat my goal to the same woman that said to me last year, "Not everyone can be a featured storyteller!" What does she say this year? She says, "I know I am not good enough to be no featured storyteller or I would have applied already. I've been attending the festivals way before you started coming to them. I know what's required to be up there with the best of the best! But you go on, girl!" So, now 1/2 of what she meant from last year's comment has been spoken. "She knows she's not good enough!" Okay then! What I gleaned from that is this: I've been going to the storytelling festivals longer than you have, before you even knew about them. And though I have attended the workshops and the performances I doubt myself as an artist and therefore I never thought I was good enough to take the stage. Now here you come along, only been going since '95 and you think you got this? You think you're ready to be a featured storyteller after just nineteen years? Are you crazy? You will never make it! If I haven't tried, what makes you think you're ready to try? That's what I gleaned from that negative, back end remark. Do I care? No! I send in my packet and know that if it is God's will I will be selected and if not this year, I can apply again next year or the year after that, or the year after that!
A couple of days later I get a voicemail left on my phone to call her. I do, and immediately she asks me if I still want to apply to be a featured storyteller. Now I pause because I'm wondering what made her think of that. I know she doesn't read her email so she doesn't know about the deadline date. There are one or two responses I could give. I could just answer her question - DO YOU STILL WANT TO APPLY TO BE A FEATURED STORYTELLER? The short and true answer would be NO, because I have already applied. (which would be bordering on lying) or a simple YES. I chose to say YES and brace myself for the next negative back end comment. "Well, go head on Miss Featured Storyteller! Miss Featured Storyteller!" and a very strange, almost sinister laugh follows. BOING BOING BOING BOING and then a slap upside the head. Every time she calls me now she refers to me as Miss Featured Storyteller. This can serve two different purposes. If I am selected this year then she has told the truth by calling me that. She has actually helped in calling it into existence. LOL But, if I am not selected this year she can always say, "Well, don't feel bad about it. I ain't good enough either!"
Second One: I am going to wait on that one because I think it may still be unfolding. You know me, I will get back with you in a few days. Just be patient.
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