My first female friend was a girl in my neighborhood named Juliet. She lived across the street from me with her mom and two sisters. We walked to school together every day. On the weekend we would play with our dolls, our Easy bake ovens and trying on our mom's old clothes. We had so much fun together. Being children, we of course had disagreements at times, but we were friends and always worked them out.
In high school girl friends abounded. I had several close friends that I associated with. Not even when one of my friends slept with my boyfriend did I get upset with her. Unfortunately, our friendships ended when we graduated. Over the years I have tried to maintain the friendship, but it was always one sided, with me doing all of the reaching out.
As a young adult woman living in New Mexico I developed and maintained some wonderful friendships with other women. Our husbands were all in the military and so we were all we had sometimes as our husbands were always working, out in the field, or whatever. I was always the voice of reason when my other friends would have a disagreement. I was the peacemaker.
Now as an older adult woman my definition of "friend" has become more refined. I have changed considerably over the years. What I needed from another female had not changed, but what had changed is what I would take from a person that professed to be my friend. How far I would go for someone had changed. If I can pick up the phone and call you whenever I need to talk, if I can be myself with you and not have to pretend even at my lowest, and if you have my back like I have your back, then we are friends. That is why I say that I can count on one hand the number of people I can do that with or for.
So, when I watch shows like The Real Housewives of Atlanta, Love and Hip Hop, Basketball Wives and other reality shows that portray African American women for the world to see, I know these ladies do not have an inkling of what a friend is.
When I see them standing toe to toe, calling each other all kinds of disrespectful names, screaming and yelling at each other I am totally convinced they do not know what it means. It makes me so sad when I see women like Kenya Moore who obviously has some mental issues, knowing full well that Nene Leakes does not like her, yet she decides to have a fundraiser, supposedly in her honor. The last communication they had was very violent and angry. They had not apologized to each other or made up, so I could not understand why Kenya felt that she can have this event under the pretense that it was for Nene's honor. No! It was not. Her reasons were malicious and made to make Nene look back. If Nene stays on this show, someone is going to get hurt physically. I really believe that if they keep both of these women on this show. It is inevitable.
Imagine my surprise when someone I thought was my friend turned on me. I was working at the library at the time when I met her. She was completing some community service work for some type of crime she had committed. By the time she had completed her hours we were friends. I knew her children and she knew mine. We had shared meals together and been to each other's home. She had read most of my short stories and about four of manuscripts. Not once had she ever told me she was interested in writing. She was eventually offered a job at the library, but I left soon after. Our friendship continued regardless and sometimes we would meet up to have lunch or dinner. When I published my first book, I gave her a copy and money was never discussed. I simply gave her the book. With each of my books I gave her a copy.
One day she told me she was working on a book and she wanted me to read the manuscript to get some feed back. She handed me the manuscript and I took it home,excited for her. That weekend I picked it up and began to read it. After the first page I was lost. I didn't get the concept of what she was trying to do. It was supposed to be the text conversations between her and her friend who was going through a breakup like her. They were encouraging each other, she said. So, I started again and still didn't get it. It seemed more like she would quote a scripture and the other woman would either repeat it, or expound on it. I just didn't understand it at all. So, I decided that I would just give it back to her and try to find the right words to let her know that I just honestly did not get it. So, we were sitting in our favorite restaurant and I told her again I didn't get it. "Just give me my stuff back! You don't get it because you ain't a Christian!" she snapped. I explained that I am a Christian, but it was confusing and anytime someone that knows you has to ask for an explanation, what are your readers going to think? But she didn't listen to me. We lost contact over the next couple of years and then one day she called to let me know she had published the book and she wanted me to see it. We met one afternoon and when I got to the cafe she had autographed a copy for me and had it laying on my side of the table.
I was happy for her! I picked it up and looked inside. The first thing I noticed is that she had used a vanity press. "How much did you pay for the printing of your book?" I asked. "$8,000 and it was worth every penny of i! They gave me 50 complimentary copies to sell," she said proudly. "I wish you had called me before you had done this. For that amount of money you could have 5000 copies of your book, book marks, fliers, t-shirts, pens, banners, everything," I said. I had used a vanity press for my first book and I know they are in the business of taking folks money. She paid $8,000 and got 50 "free copies" of her books. "Why are you hating on me? Just give me my $15 for the book, B*tch!" she said. "Where is the price on the book?" I asked. "I'm telling you how much it costs. I'm trying to recoup my $8,000!" she replied. "But if you want them in book stores they are going to want a price on the book," I said. "You hating on me! It don't look good on you!" she snapped. I didn't have any money for her book. She kept texting me, sending me messages on Facebook, constantly asking me for the $15, yet when I went to amazon.com the book was selling for $8!
I still did not understand the concept of this book, so I let a friend of mine read the book. She is a church going person, so I hoped she would be able to shed some light on the book. She didn't get it either and neither did her husband, who is a minister.
Several months later, the storytelling group I am a member of was performing at the Black Theater Festival. I was nervous so I was walking back and forth trying to work off some energy and going over my story. My former friend and her co-author were sitting at a table in the lobby selling their book. I walked passed the table, not even looking at her and then I turned to walk back. I heard her say "You know I'm mad with you." I ignored her. As I passed her again, she said it again. I stopped to see what she was going on about. She let me know that she was upset with me because I owed her $18. It was out there in the universe now. She had said it!
"Are you kidding me? We have known each other for fifteen years. You have all three of my books that I gifted you. You have never given me a dime for any of my books. But you're trying to sell me a book for more than twice the amount! And then you have the nerve to get mad with me because I didn't give you the money! I have the book today, you can have it back. You just let me know that our friendship isn't even worth $18! And that is sad!" I have not spoken to her since. She showed me who she is and there is no reason to question it. I wanted to give her book back to her, but my children talked me out of it.
I hope that a time would come when women respect each other. I hope we learn how to love ourselves first so that we can show love to others. I hope we learn the precious relationship we can have with another woman. I hope we can one day just be there for each other, to love and encourage each other. I hope that we learn to communicate with each other and not feel it necessary to use profanity to communicate or to refer to each other. I hope that we can eliminate words from our vocabulary that serve only to tear down and not to encourage, educate, or uplift.
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